On my recent trip to Francais, and a little bit of Italy (a holiday isn't a holiday unless I go to Turin, I'll let you draw you own conclusions why), I had intended to create a masterpiece. What I was going to do was take loads of photos of the front of my car from the same angle in lots of different locations then make some sort of video slide show like those people do when they take a picture of themselves once a day for a year then miraculously get catapulted to the most played on YouTube. I wanted to be a YouTube star. It failed because I wasn't nearly dedicated enough and only took a handful of photos.
As is expected of me; I toured around some of the Automotive hot spots of France. I went to the old pit-stop at Reims, drove on some very winding roads through the Alps, Turin (not in France I know), Monaco (still not in France) and Le Mans. That meant I got to drive on 3 tracks (the road sections of the Circut de la Sarthe, the street circuit of Monaco and the straight of the no longer used road circuit west of Reims). Unfortunately I only went to one museum (Le Mans) this year and it really wasn't that great.
One of the problems with the museum (other than not having enough cars, let alone cars that had actually competed in the 24 hour race) was that up until the past couple of years the French haven't really, other than hosting the 24 heures du Mans, had much involment in the race. The French are very patriotic so when their drivers and cars don't win it seems like they don't care too much... well thats the impression I got from the museum. The French however have a company called Cibié who, from what I could gather from the over exuberant displays promoting the brand, have made the lights for every car ever to compete at Le Mans ever. I should have milked this for all it was worth seen as I have over 14 inches of Cibié up front on my own car, you never know I may not have had to have paid the extortionate fees* to get me in.
*It isn't actually that expensive but I had to pay for two tickets as I dragged along someone who didn't really want to go. This meant that I payed double and it really wasn't worth €16.
I always start a new post with an apology and it is always for the same thing. I have neglected all my loyal readers and left you floundering in a pool of motoring uncertainty. Well lets hope this dose of, just as ever, concise, reasonable and down right fair prose will sort you out.
Just a little recap of things that have happened while I have been away. I got published. Well, when I say published what I actually mean is I sent a letter into Octane Magazine and it was printed. It wasn't some silly suck-up, a plea for advice or asking for oodles of free history about a car I just bought that would elsewhere cost an arm and a leg to get. No, I continued with my usual style and moaned. The level of my disdain was clearly recognised by the editor but they were unsure whether it was appropriate due to some of the content. I did channel all of my hatred on one particular person, TV chef and motoring wanker enthusiast James Martin. Here is a scan of the magazine with my letter in it.
It was not letter of the month and I did not win one of the nice Italian leather bags, this has upset me. Unsurprisingly the winning letter started something like this "I think your magazine is fantastic and I wanted to complement you on your massive..."
My BMW had a little mishap before christmas but its all back now and better than ever.
It is also starting to pay me back, half a penny at a time. I found this in the footwell at the weekend, its from 1971.
If you didn't know the government and the world seem to think we are in two major crises. An economical and environmental one. They might be right but they are after all the government so even if they are correct we should, because it is our duty to, ignore them. The motoring world has been hit hard by both so called crises: jobs are being cut, manufactures are going bust and the best our government can do is introduce a scrapping scheme. They had something similar in Germany and they had more than a few people from the father land who weren't quite fans. Cars over 10 years old can be traded in to get some deutschmarks off a new one. The old car has to, without question, be scrapped. They are aloud to be stripped for components parts however, but what is the point; who needs parts for cars that have all been scrapped. So there are warehouses in Germany full of redundant spare parts and the price of scrap metal has plummeted. Our wonderful government thought this was a brilliant idea. Who wouldn't? The most environmentally sound way of getting us out of these two hyped up crises is to just chuck out our old tat and get making some new cars. The new ones will be marginally more economical if a little harsh to the environment to make. How much do you think it cost Audi and the environment when they made an A4 in 1999? For it only to be used for 10 years (and easily doing 50mpg for all of those years) seems ludicrous doesn't it. Right, I could go on all day about how appalling this scheme is but, again, what is the point? This is what our non-elected leader thinks is best for us so we should just let him do what he likes. If he wants to invade Poland next let him do what he likes.
What might have been better and a little more environmentally sound (and you should do this if your car is over 10 years old, rather than trading it in so you can get 2 grand off that sack of shite Citroen C3 you always promised yourself, yeah right) is if your car goes wrong buy the parts to fix it from Germany, they've got shit loads at a cheap price.
Every cloud does have a silver lining. I was watching an episode of Scrap Heap Challenge the other day and I thought that their heap was looking a little sparse. Soon enough the heap will be littered with late 90s jewels that aren't quite worth the £2000 the dealer could offer.
I work in the restaurant industry. I am a waiter, I sometimes like to call myself a restaurant manger but I am not really sure how true this is. I like the idea of owning my own restaurant but I don't want to be a waiter or even restaurant manger for the rest of my life. This is not because I think I am above the job it is just that I think I would prefer to be a Graphic Designer so my degree wouldn't be a bit of a waste. Then if that fails I think I would prefer the job of a truck driver/recovery guy, I am not sure really where waiter/restaurant manager/owner of a restaurant would come. Anyway, when I read a review of a bad restaurant by AA Gill in the Sunday Times' Style supplement it makes me think I can do so much better. I probably can't but this would still please me as I prefer Mr Gill when he is being scornful.
So what would my plans be for a restaurant of my own? (Should there really be a question mark there? (not there, I know there should be one there) I know I am asking a question but it is to myself.) Well the menu would consist of a medley of meats and very little vegetables. Cow, pig, sheep, deer, pigeon, partridge, pheasant, Gordon Ramsay would all be available dead, cooked and ready to eat. There are lots of other plans but the one most relevant to this blog is my valet service. I would chose a person with impeccable taste in cars (I may have to wait until someone can clone me) so that anyone who appears in a Porsche Ceyenne or Chrysler 300c will be ignored and told to (in a partronising police officer way) to "move on." They will then make way for guests in Land Rovers* and Lotus Carltons who will be greeted with open arms and impeccable manners.
If I couldn't be cloned then I would have to come up with a pretty concise list of acceptable cars. It would also have to include modifications to cars which knock them off the list or revive otherwise hideous cars and make them allowable. Or I could just do the job myself. Either way it brings my nicely to a question which I am asked regularly "What car should I buy?" (Just to clarify: I have been asked this question once but I read articles by motoring journalist that say that they are asked this question a lot and been as I like to think of myself as a bit of a motoring journalist I feel I should say it) What cars should I recommend? If I didn't recommend cars and people didn't know what to buy my fictional and completely imaginary restaurant would go the same way that my invention for a sweet flinging attachment to my quad went, down the shitter! With this possible disaster in mind I have come up with a list to aid you all in buying cars that will allow entry to a meal at my restaurant (I don't have a name... yet).
I have limited my list to only new cars, just so it isn't too huge. I have stuck to price brackets and have limited my suggestion to just one car per section. I have started with a minimum figure of £10,000 not because I am some sort of snob and think cars under £10,000 arent worth having. What I do think though is that you should buy second hand, you can get a much better car than a new one. For example: a second hand Mini is about the same price as a new Fiesta and after living (trying to, in the Fiesta's case) with both I can assure you the Mini is the better option.
£10,000 - £15,000
Fiat Panda 100hp
A Fiat 500 in far less flashy packaging, its quicker and the ride has been compromised because they fit harder racier suspension, ace!
£16,000 - £20,000
Renaultsport Clio 197
The spiritual successor to the Williams Renault Clio. I would go for the Cup version, its the stripped out version and because of that it is cheaper and so doesn't even fit into this price category.
£21,000 - £25,000
Land Rover Defender
For this kind of money I would go for my favourite of the range, the 110 Double Cab Pick-up. The added bonus of this is that you can avoid the SVX (Land Rovers misguided attempt to update the Defender, thank the lord it is "strictly limited edition.")
£25,000 - £35,000
Lotus Elise
I would go for the R model, the reviews said supercharged S model was a bit to... calm.
£36,000 - £45,000
Vauxhall VXR8
It was a toss up between this and the Jaguar XF, this won because you can't get the XF with the V8 unless you start encroaching into Range Rover money and its a bit too dull when compared to a Vauxhall. Well its not just any Vauxhall I suppose.
What else? And in Autocar's recent 0 to 100 back to 0 it was qucker than Aston's range topper the DBS by almost 3 seconds.
I have decided to stop there as I couldn't bare the responsibilty of influencing purchases with that kind of money involved, £85,000 though is just fine.
* I mean all cars that carry the Land Rover badge but Range Rover Sport.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
As per usual I am bulk blogging, I went to get some photos developed today so you have a couple of weeks of vehicles.
These weeks include my holiday to Italy. Two car museums, one holiday; only the Beaumonts.
Quite possibly the wrong film (definitely the wrong film) but good old Jessops saved my ass yet again.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Oh yes, finally ITV have done the decent thing; you can now watch all that ITV 4 gold on their "catch-up" service. The Champions, Dempsey and Makepeace, The Saint and of course 45 and 37* in all their glory!
Recently in the news there has been lots of supposedly responsible people making ludicrous comments. One of these people was Mrs Iris Robinson who went ranting about ho-mo-sexuals saying gay sex was a sin and an abomination. Unfortunately other people have responded to this madness politely and respectfully confirming that it is ok for people with a proper 'education' to make statements that show how colossally ignorant they are.
On Radio 4 yesterday a group of women were responding to Dame Eileen Atkin's statements about Ladettes, she doesn't like laddish women and thinks that thinks this isn't what Feminism is about. She also said "It really upsets me when silly girls get as drunk and aggressive as boys." The panel on Radio 4 were very dignified and gracefully said that the actress was a bit out of date. This is all very well and polite but it isn't going to help. What they should have done was said what they really meant (or what I wanted them to say): 'How can you possibly be that ignorant to believe that the "Ladettes" that you have encountered are anyway related to the way men in general act. The only way I would ever completely respect your views on these women and men you think they get there behavior from is if every man you had ever encountered had shouted a dozen expletives in your face before beating you half to death then falling at your feet in a puddle of vomit. What you have failed to realise is that the Ladettes you so gleefully lambaste have there own male counterparts who, just like the small proportion of women who are Ladettes, are not all men or all boys. Your dismal view of men shows that you don't really understand feminism either, to my understanding feminism is about equality and that would mean the way you refer to men should be done with the same compassion you talk about women and not with the disdain Hilter would have spoken about the local Rabbi.' And that would teach her for opening her mouth before she thought!
This then got me thinking, we don't put up with shite cars just because they look good so why do we put up with people in places of responsibility who seem to have the facade of knowing what they are doing but are completely useless (the opposite of Boris Johnson.) The BMW 3 series is a brilliant example, for a long time I thought that people who bought them wanted to buy into a 'look' (looking like a knob) and wanted to fit in with the masses but its not. The British public I don't think are that shallow, they could look past the grotesque exterior and bad image because deep down it is a good car. Alfa are struggling to keep there heads above water in England simply because as a nation we can see past that gorgeous exterior and see a car that (it deeply deeply hurts me to say this but...) isn't as good as a BMW. Porsche have been a prime example too, they are one of the most profitable companies in the motor industry because they sell so well, especially in the UK. The Porsche range might be a bit like the Confused.com adverts, all pretty much the same just in a different order and some unfortunately take longer than others, but they are essentially good quality, fast, reliable and fairly reasonably priced.
After that sacrilegious rant you will be pleased to know that BMW and Alfa are going to collaborate in the future to create at least the under pinnings for a small front wheel drive car. This will mean that hopefully we can get the best of both worlds, Alfa looks BMW quality. All we have to hope for is a 3 series that looks like a 159, and that Alfa badge.
I haven't posted for a while I know and I will update you soon. I think I will do a BIG post all about my car when it is done (it will be done by the end of the month, we have set that as our deadline.)
So back to the topic, the Nissan Figaro. Well it wasn't at the top of the list to 'Why I Hate...' but my dear friend Lara and I were driving around when we spotted one. Lara went all high pitched and squealed about how cute it was.
I then said it was 'Shit!' She said 'Why?' I said 'Because it is' 'But its cuuuuuuuute' 'Yes but its a Micra in school girl drag!'
'What are you on about?' 'Well, the chassis, engine, susp... I'll write a blog entry about it so read that' 'I'll be the only one, oooooooowww!' 'Twat'
So the conversation went a bit like that, more or less. The Figaro then; a small, Japanese, convertible similar to the Daihatsu Copen and Suzuki Cappuccino. So there it is the first thing wrong with it: it fits into the same catagoery as those. All of them are too small and too slow, they are barely cars. They are the car version of a Mini-Moto: they look similar to a car just smaller and if a full size human was to drive them they would look ludicrus. Have you ever wondered why they are all convertibles? Its so you can actually fit in.
These cars came about when the Japanese wanted to recreate the small European sports car from the '50s to the '80s like the Austin Healey (Frog-eyed) Sprite, Lotus Elan, Fiat X19, Alfa Romeo Giulietta Spider. All of these are brilliant cars even though they weren't very powerful they were light and lots of fun. There was the odd exception obviously and unsurprisingly it came from MG with the Midget. So it is understandable why a manufacturer would want to recreate the good ones. Mazda was successful with its MX5 (I don't want one but lots of other people do and the press does rave about them) but as is the Japanese way they wanted to make them smaller. So small in fact we have this breed of extremely small cars with extremely small engines. The essence of the older cars was that they were light, that is what made them fun but with modern 'necessities' and safety equipment their weedy little engines just about propel these cars forward. I am clearly not the only person who thinks that they had lost their edge, Nissan did too. They thought they could do better by styling there cars like they were from the past. I am all for retro styling even some of the most gaudy ones, the new Mini. The Mini was saved by its quality and performance the Nissan Figaro has no saving graces. No that is a lie, the colours that they were painted are good. So many people recreate and old look with the shape but often paint them with metallic, pearlescent paint and that's wussing out at the last minute. Nissan went the whole hog, actually it went a bit too far. The Figaro is not so much a retro design as a bad, old one stretched over a Micra with an extra dollop cute that came out of the same place as Furbies do.
I think the Figaro is a bit like Sarah Jessica Parker. Girls love it. Boys hate it. Its ugly. Dressed in a stupid outfit. Small. Looks older than it is. Its nose/front looks a little out of proportion. Associated with a fairly dull program (Sex and the City)/manufacturer (Nissan) but with one exciting feisty thing (Kim Cattrall/ GT-R) keeping it from falling into the abyss where you might find Hyundai and Joey.
I don't think I have been anywhere near as offensive about this car as I should be and SJP seems to have come out the worst so far but someone didn't make SJP (unless you believe in God then he gets full blame) so she can be forgiven. She can also be commended for becoming so successful despite her drawbacks. The Nissan Figaro on the other hand wasn't really that successful in any right (unless you count the success of being able to move Vanessa Felts [she owns/owned one] and that is quite an achievement). There is someone to blame for the Nissan Figaro but we shouldn't mock because he must be blind, that is the only excuse.
Fans of the Figaro can click here for a site that you may well find appealing, beware this is evidence that Comic Sans lends itself well to writing about the Figaro.
...where your Bimma?" Is a question I am ever so frequently asked. So I thought I would answer it in this blog entry:
It is in the workshop and has been for the last 6 months. That is a very long time and I can assure you it feels longer for me, partly to do with the fact I haven't driven it for so long and my bank balance seems to be on a steady decline since I started this long operation.
I am rebuilding a new engine for it and I am updating the suspension.
As you may be aware some people in Scotland aren't happy with their pay and so they are going to have/having a strike. These people work in a oil refinery... the only one in Scotland. This is obviously a tad inconvenient but completely fair and understandable.
What I don't seem to be able to understand is the British public's response to this. The oil companies that supply the UK with petrol and diesel told drivers that there was more than enough fuel to last us through this strike as long as we bought fuel in the normal manner and didn't panic buy. So what did people do? Oh yes they did they bought fuel 'til it was coming out of their ears!
Now there is a fuel shortage (which I am sure there would have been even if there wasn't a strike on because if the irrational panic buying). We also have people going to TV and Radio saying things like: "Well I knew we wouldn't have enough fuel to last through this strike, now I can't take my fat lazy kids to school and they might have to get the bus or even...(pause while the speaker almost vomits) walk!" I am not a big fan of public transport or walking but I always took the bus to school and my parents are rational and intelligent people (am I implying that irrational stupid people shouldn't drive? should make there kids take the bus and walk? or not have kids at all?) and I wasn't fat.
All of this is infuriating enough but because of the shortage of fuel the oil companies have an excuse to put the price of fuel up...even more!
So thank you, I now cannot live my life as before because I simply can't afford it.
These are some of the pictures from Race Retro, as the title suggests. The weather was gorgeous, its clearly only an event for die hard fans. Which obviously I am and is why I am so cool!
